Give to the Wind Your Fears

When I Am Weak

2011-09-16T23:38:00.004-06:00

You know those days when the struggle with flesh is vividly apparent? When you can feel yourself swiftly and easily sliding into sin? When the ground has already given way beneath your toes and you know you are in grave danger of falling? Today was that day.

Disappointment turns into bitterness. Frustration gives way to grumbling. Concern morphs into proud and critical judgment. As thought rolls over sinful, angry thought, I begin to feel overwhelmed. Not only with the situation provoking me, but with my frail faith that is so quick to forget how much I have been forgiven and how much I ought to forgive others.

As I hear the Spirit's whisper, I feel the conflict grow stronger. Longing for holiness, lusting for sin. I ache for the fight to end quickly, pleading the Spirit to silence my thoughts so I don't have to continue striving, but the battle continues throughout the day. I feel the complaints pushing at the back of my tongue. More stones give way beneath my feet. I cling and ask Him to hold me until this battle ends. He comforts me with these precious Words and I feel as though He was thinking of me when He breathed them into being.

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful,
and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape,
that you may be able to endure it.

Humbled by His faithfulness to me in the midst of my faithlessness to Him. I cling to His grace, asking him to enable me to give it to others. And I thank Him for allowing me to feel my fraility because it causes me to rely only on His strength and grace. For when I am weak, then I am strong. I know my battle isn't over, but I also know that He has already secured my victory. Thank you Jesus.

September - Sweet-sounding Word

2011-09-01T19:38:00.002-06:00

The 1st of September holds as much newness and anticipation as the 1st of a new year. It has been this way to me for as long as I remember. Time to return to a more structured schedule after the carefree busy-ness of summer.

I love making schedules. But I hate following them. So I make long lists of responsibilities, goals, ministries, and opportunities. I tend to get so very excited and try to swallow everything whole and smash it into the tidy lines of a notebook. Everything looks so do-able and reasonable and productive on paper. After a few weeks of struggling to carry it all though, my long list of possibilities has become a record of failure. A guilty reminder that I didn’t complete what I set out to do, or at the very least, a reminder that I didn’t do it as well as I had expected to.

Then I lecture myself on laziness, on my short temper, and on my resentment of the tasks I formerly enjoyed. And I forget that all of these attitudes are symptoms of a disease, and no matter how hard I work to cure the symptoms, it will be a fruitless battle unless I find an accurate diagnosis for my condition.

The 1st of September is wooing me again this year. Trying to make me believe that I will miss out if I don’t embrace every offered opportunity. Trying to convince me that if I don’t accept every ministry as my personal mission, than I am a poor Christian. Trying to induce me to walk in my own strength, to buckle down and just try harder.

So I am having the conversations with myself again. Am I taking on too much? Am I being lazy for trying to simplify? I should say no more often. No, I shouldn’t be so focused on my schedule, I need to be more flexible. Paul talks about being poured out as a drink offering. Am I being selfish with my time? What about my husband? It doesn’t feel right to pour myself out to others so that I am empty for him. But what about having eyes for the needs of others? Do I have unrealistic expectations for myself? I don’t want to be one of those wimpy people who can’t handle everyday responsibilities. Neither do I want to be one of those agitated people who have no peace in their lives and run around one step behind their to-do lists.

I so desperately want to do everything well! And it hurts my pride to say that I can’t take something on. My mind remembers the stinging embarrassment of telling someone I didn’t have the time to commit to some activity and hearing their scornful “You can’t handle this workload? Man, you are going to be in trouble when you have kids to take care of if you’re already overwhelmed now!” Internally, I responded defensively and with anger, followed by a discouraged wondering if they were right.

As I remember that conversation, the memory helps to reveal my heart issue: a deeply rooted pride. This desire to be able to handle it all, to show myself capable, to be excellent in all I do, to receive the approval of those who will tell me when I am not doing enough. A perfectionism that seeks satisfaction in the approval of myself and others. This pride takes my Spirit-driven desire to serve my Lord and His people and twists my motives into self-service and renders my efforts useless and exhausting. I ignore my desperate need of the Spirit's strengthening power and forget that all my breath, my very ability to move and work, comes from Him alone.

Father, give me the ability to discern what you desire from me in this season. Give me eyes to see that everything I do is to be done for your glory and allow that to motivate me to pursue excellence in everything my hands find to do. Forgive me for trying to earn the approval of man instead of seeking how I might please you with my time and my actions. Thank you so much that I don’t have to earn Your approval, that Christ's blood has purchased it for me forever.. Thank you that I can approach Your throne in confidence, knowing that when You look at me, You see the righteousness of Your Son. Forgive me when I arrogantly think that I need to add the filthy rags of my good works to the sacrifice of Christ before I can walk in joy before You. Please take the offering of my life as a sacrifice of praise, poured out to Your will and use it to Your glory.

A lot can happen in 11 months.

2011-08-22T20:03:00.000-06:00

Settling into a one-bedroom apartment

Homemade fall decorations being replaced by homemade winter ones

Our first Christmas as husband and wife

Packing up a few months later to move into a three-bedroom house with wisteria and shade trees

Afternoon drives to mom's and dad's to cure homesickness

Evenings spent studying with husband for his classes

A diamond on my sister's left hand

A new job

A spring-break road trip with precious friends

A graduation celebration for another sister

The birth of a nephew

Pinwheels, cottonwoods, fireworks, first kiss, and a gold band is added to my sister's diamond

A road trip to California, four days of the Word, increased resolve

Playing in flower bed dirt, working on small house projects side by side, daydreaming of more to come

Tasting and seeing. The Lord is so very good.

Abounding Still More And More

2010-09-26T15:35:00.000-06:00

Happy 15 day anniversary my husband. Love you.

Month of Sunflowers

2010-08-23T20:43:00.000-06:00

So much running around these days! Mom and I spent six hours in town this afternoon running errands, chatting (about wedding plans, honeymoon plans, life plans) and enjoying lunch with a dear friend. When we finally got home, I ran back into town because I realized I needed to pick up a few items from Ricky's house in order to complete one of my wedding projects. He wasn't home from work yet, so I enjoyed tidying up the living room and emptying the sink of dishes. It's not much longer until it will be my official job to do those chores, so I enjoyed one of my last chances to do it solely to bless him and not just because I have to.

Driving home, the Lord blessed me with quiet. I noticed the light on the cornfields, the sunflowers lining the road, and the golden sheen of hay bales. I love August. Love, love, love it's beauty. It reminded me to thank the Lord for all He has done instead of worrying about all I need to do.

Two Augusts ago, my almost-Mother-in-law introduced me to my almost-husband while he was visiting. I laughing told my mother that afternoon that yet another person at church had tried to set me up with their son. He went back to California for school and I didn't think of him again for about six months. That was when dad mentioned that there was this guy who wanted to talk to me....

Last August found me delighting in two weeks of having him visiting in Idaho. By the end of them, I admitted to my sister that I loved this man.

And this August, I am weeks away from marrying him. Tasting and seeing the goodness of my King!

My Goal Today

2010-08-09T22:44:00.002-06:00

When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.

Insofar as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all.

When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.  ~ C. S. Lewis, Letters of C.S. Lewis (8 November, 1952)

(Thank you to girltalkhome.com/blog/my-earthly-dearest for this convicting quote.)

Saturday Mornin's are Bestest!

2010-07-31T10:22:00.000-06:00

Especially when you wake up and realize you only have six weeks until your wedding. Which also means only six more Saturday mornings of waking up in this house. I value the present moment more when I realize how fleeting it is.

Saturday mornings when we have nowhere we need to go are so deliciously restful. As the kiddos wake up, they sleepily migrate one by one into mom and dad's room and find a corner of the king sized bed to cuddle into. The sound of chattering, tickling, and playful pushes off the bed pulls the rest of us in to find out the plan for the day. Errands to run later, weeding the garden, more wedding planning.

The smell of the baked oatmeal the little girls started last night is filling the house. Breakfast is eaten with Jars of Clay or Third Day providing the soundtrack to our life.

Kitchen is messy from breakfast dishes and the kiddos are making a pretence of cleaning it and acting busy so that they can avoid dad's reminders about weeding the garden. His bellowing of "Let's go!" finally convinces them to put on shoes and hats and head out before it gets too hot.

And the house quiets now as the chattering heads outdoors. The sounds of dishwasher and laundry getting started mix with the music on the radio to motivate us older peeps to tackle our to-do lists.

Golden years are passing by....

Life As An Engaged Girl

2010-06-25T11:05:00.000-06:00

I am giving in. Friday mornings are usually my get-stuff-done time since I don't have to work. The time usually gets filled with studying, errands, little to-do things Ricky may have asked me to work on, cleaning my messy room, or doing wedding stuff. This morning though, instead of focusing on the mile-long to-do list, I am taking the next fifteen minute slot in my schedule to type. There, now that the decision is made I can feel like I am accomplishing something instead of feeling guilty for ignoring ten other somethings. *Relaxing sigh*

Minutes, hours, days. They are filled with trying to cram in much too much too much.

Trying to understand what is priority and what is not worth the stress.

Planning. Writing to-do lists.

Changing my mind. Writing new to-do lists
.
Filling up the remainder of my days as a Miss in preparation to be a Mrs.

Wondering how we are going to get it all done in time.

Studying our premarital counseling assignments. Discussing. Writing. Laughing.

Realizing nothing will be perfect. Not even my perfect man or the "perfect" girl he is marrying.

Striving for perfection anyway.

Praying. Lots of praying.

Making time for just the two of us. At least fifteen minutes of no stressful topics allowed!

Cherishing time with my family.

Laughing. Lots of laughing.

Holding on to the moments while counting down the days.

22 Days Ago

2010-05-22T13:52:00.005-06:00

The world became sparkly-er!

May 1st, 2010

Bless the Lord Oh my soul!

Psalm 103:1

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

2010-04-22T17:53:00.007-06:00

Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and named it Ebenezer, saying "Thus far the Lord has helped us". 1st Samuel 7:12

This afternoon I began a study of the lives of Samuel and Saul with my church's women's Bible study. We are using this book:

And I am really excited! Mostly because I know it will provide me accountability for digging deeply into the Word.

One of the verses we went over today was 1st Samuel 7:12. The Lord had just won a great triumph for Israel; He had "thundered with a great thunder" and routed the Philistines before Israel. Samuel set up a stone and called it Ebenezer - "stone of help". It was erected as a memorial to Israel and to her enemies of what the Lord had done there.

Here I raise my Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I've come.

During our discussion time we discussed what some of our personal "ebenezers" are. What are the reminders of God's graciousness and accomplishments in our lives?

One of mine is my journals. Mom gave me my first journal as a birthday gift when I was nine. At the time, I *knew* I was going to be famous someday, so I began my journal for the purpose of providing my biographers with some record of my childhood. Hence, (I love that word!) the plethora (love that one too!) of flowery language and minute details contained in that journal.

Somewhere around my early-mid teens, I decided I was embarrassed by the *childishness* that my....ummm...*childhood* journal displayed (not to mention the bad grammar, horrors!) and proclaimed I wanted it to be buried with me, unread by any other eyes.

From that point, I journaled mainly to allow myself to think on paper. Writing is one of the ways I think through what I am learning. It is also an emotional outlet and I tend to write the most when I am very excited or very upset. I imagine if anyone were to read my journals (an event that I still want to avoid...biographers will just have to find other sources) they would think I am rather unstable! But because I do write mostly in the extremes of my emotions, my journals contain a lot of the major (major to me anyway) happenings of the last 12 years of my life. (Wow, am I really that old?) Even though I have never been very regular in my journaling, my little row of pretty notebooks chronicles many instances of God's grace and blessings to me. In this way, they are my ebenezers.

My other ebenezer is a little pearl necklace I received when I was about 16-ish. My grandpa always sends his grandaughters some money around Christmas and birthdays to buy themselves something pretty.

On this occasion, I had been wanting a pearl necklace. Pink, to be exact. And not any of those big huge ones that old ladies wear, I wanted young-looking pearls. I knew that I wasn't going to be getting it though since the price tag for pearls was more than what I had to spend. I didn't tell anyone what it was I really wanted and I didn't feel sorry for myself about not getting it either. It was just a fancy that had flown into my head and I pushed it out since it was impossible.

A week or so later, I was out and about with my mom and sisters at a craft exhibit. They had a door prize and I heard my number hollered over the loudspeaker. As I walked to the front table to get my prize, I started walking faster. "Maybe...."

The lady handed me a white, rectangle box and inside was a delicate pink pearl necklace.

I knew exactly who the Giver was because only one Person knew that I had wanted that necklace. It was a totally unnecessary blessing and I was humbled and amazed that my Lord chose to care about such a little thing. Each time I wear my pearls I am reminded that I serve a God who cares about little things and He blesses abundantly beyond what I can ask or think.

What are your ebenezers?

Been Spring Cleanin'

2010-03-23T18:04:00.008-06:00

I have been trying to organize my bedroom the last couple evenings, a process similar to sticking an over-sized circle into a square and trying to push the edges of the circle out so that they fill all four corners of the square. In the midst of going through clothes (of which I have too many) and trying to figure out where to put all my books, (of which I never have enough) and wishing I had wall space for another bookshelf, I decided it was time to pack up some of the ballet stuff that is still all over my room. Since dance was my all-consuming passion for almost ten years straight, I collected quite a lot of paraphernalia and needed to begin the task of sorting through it all and figuring out what is sentimental enough to keep, what can be sold, and what needs to be tossed.

So, a pile of dance skirts is headed to an ebay sell, my old dance bag is headed to the trash can along with about six pairs of dance shoes, and my costumes are in my little sisters' dressup trunk. I also gathered up a small box of keepsakes to pack away. It included one of my skirts, a few little gifts from students, pictures, accessories, recital programs, and my favorite pair of pointe shoes.

My room feels so much less cluttered now. And it only took 11 months of being done teaching for me to get around to sorting it all. After years of having my bedroom decorated in dance things, I am welcoming the change and the additional storage space!

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

2010-03-18T16:41:00.004-06:00

You are a hiding place for me;
You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with shouts of deliverance.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.
Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Psalm 32:7-9

I want to win!

2010-03-07T18:40:00.003-07:00

There is a book give-away going on over at www.jcrylequotes.com. I found out about it via Matt (http://justanotherwretch.blogspot.com/) and in a shameless effort to win, I am now posting about it here. Go take a look!

Grace to Glory

2010-03-04T17:28:00.003-07:00

This week is the Shepherd's conference in Sun Valley, California. My dad and boyfriend are there participating in person and I have been listening to some of the sessions via live stream here: http://www.shepherdsfellowship.org/sc/. (All of the sessions will also be available for downloading after the conference.) Each general session has included a time of worship and this morning they sang this beautiful hymn. I wanted to share the words here since I couldn't find a decent arrangement on youtube. It is long but the words are so rich, especially in the last stanza.

"Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken"

by Henry Francis Lyte, 1793-1847

Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee;

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my All shalt be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I've sought or hoped or known;

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

And while Thou shalt smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends may shun me;

Show Thy face, and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!

Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!

In Thy service, pain is pleasure;

With Thy favor, loss is gain.

I have called Thee Abba, Father!

I have stayed my heart on Thee.

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,

All must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me,

'Twill but drive me to Thy breast;

Life with trials hard may press me,

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation;

Rise o'er sin and fear and care;

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

What a Father's smile is thine,

What a Savior died to win thee;

Child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

Haste, then, on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith and winged by prayer;

Heaven's eternal day's before thee,

God's own hand shall guide thee there.

Soon shall close the earthly mission,

Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope soon change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Thought For Today

2010-02-28T20:43:00.003-07:00

This morning's greeting with my pastor went like this:

Me: Good Morning
Him (with a teasing grin): Good Morning. Are you sinless today?
Me (a tad smugly, since I had the answer to that question): Ha! No. How about you?
Him: Only in Christ!

Ummm, yep. He had the better answer. And for some reason, his response continually popped into my head throughout the day. "Only in Christ."

I make an effort to remind myself of my sinful state. This is a safety measure; it removes my pride and prevents me from taking grace for granted. Each day that I live as a believer is a battle against my flesh and if I don't see myself as sinful, it will obviously be impossible for me to be effective in that fight. Acknowledging that I am still a sinner also helps me to extend that grace to others when they sin against me.

But I must balance that with the truth that I am justified in Christ. Without this, my fight against my flesh is fruitless because I cannot win it apart from Christ. In Him though, the victory has already been won!

"There is therefore now no comdemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." ~Romans 8:1

"Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long;we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romand 8:33-39

Ski Day!

2010-02-06T20:40:00.006-07:00

Dad and I spent last Saturday skiing in gorgeous Sun Valley, Idaho. It was just the two of us and we were thoroughly spoiled with gondola rides, great snow, sunshine, and lunch in the restaurant at the top of the lift. My legs were exhausted from being pushed so hard during their first time on the slopes this year. Must get into better shape!

Which was better, the slopes or the scenery? Hard to say!

Sooo, It is 2010! (This is a rambling post with very little substance...ye be warned)

2010-01-13T16:51:00.004-07:00

I am leaving in about half an hour for Awana, leaving me about twenty five minutes to type something interesting for the blog world to read. Seeing as I have enjoyed my holiday vacation by vacationing from blogging, I suppose I could ramble on about any number of recent happenings and goings on from my spot in the world. Let's see, what to type?

As I contemplate, there is a cute little three year old in a Cubbie vest who is hovering around my laptop asking me "What you doin'? You typin'? What's say?" He knows that we get to leave for Awana soon, so he is anxious for current activities to be completed so we can be on our way. He is displaying an enormous amount of patience for a three year old though. And it is oh so hard to type coherently when I am distracted by his pretending to sound out the letters and periodically hugging my arm and saying "I likes you!" Oh yes, I am in love.

He has currently wandered off. Now that I have the opportunity to type at the pace I desire, I am afraid that the ramble I had intended to record when first opening this blog has now left my head completely. Such is the tendency with rambles; if one does not snatch them up when they present themselves, they will soon disappear. Good thing a new ramble is usually following closely behind the disappearing one.

Soooo, I get to go spend an evening with my precious 2nd grade Sparkies tonight. We shall sing and pray and recite verses and run and play and listen and answer questions. Someone is going to mispronounce something in their verse (making for a very humorous translation usually), someone will have at least one story to tell me about a pet, someone is going to get corrected for not obeying the first time, and someone is probably going to define sin by telling a story about a sibling. There will be opportunities to explain words like grace and redemption, chances to explain how verses apply to us personally, and lots of joy is seeing how much the kids love to learn.

Just about time to load in the car, the resident Cubbie will be very thrilled with the announcement!

Books, books

2009-12-09T18:07:00.014-07:00

I decided to take the challenge given at Pursue The Beauty blog given here: http://pursuethebeauty.com/2009/12/09/see-what-im-reading/. The challenge is to take a picture of the books you are currently reading as well as a picture of the books you would like to be reading. Sooo, here is what I am reading....

Hopefully you can see the picture clearly. I feel the need to qualify the statement "Here is what I am reading" with the explanation of "Here is what I am reading when I am not studying or checking up on my favorite blogs". My reading time is rather limited lately, so Evidence Not Seen and Womanly Dominion are currently being read snippets at a time. The first is a biography about a missionary to the jungles of New Guinea during WWII. Womanly Dominion (contrary to the initial first impression given by the title) is a fabulous explanation of what it means for a woman to fulfil her role within the command to "fill the earth and subdue it". I am reading Lies Women Believe and doing the accompanying study with my sister and a friend, so it is the one book in my stack apart from my Bible that is truly being read on a regular basis. Sadly, my diet of fictional works has been mostly famine lately. Just no time for fiction right now, but I did steal an hour yesterday to curl up with Longfellow's poems in front of the fireplace after a loooong study time. Such a delicious delight! With illustrations, the embossed cover, a yummy "old book" smell, and a publishing date of 1885, The Complete Works of Longfellow is one of the most treasured volumes in my little library. There at the bottom of my stack is my beloved Bible which I received as a graduation gift from my church. I am currently reading through Galations and some of my notes from that may eventually, possibly, maybe, make it into a blog post. We shall see.

The picture to the right is my "What I would like to be reading" stack. It was tough to decide what to put in this stack as the list of good books is ginormous, so I just tried to think what books I would grab if I had a guilt free chunk of time to read whatever I wanted. Meaning, no school reading or studying in my schedule. Not happening anytime soon though. As you can see, there is a considerable amount of fiction in this stack. To be honest I am craving fiction right now and the familiar volumes of Little Women and Christmas Carol begged to be read when I picked them up for this picture-op. But, I am restraining myself and they are staying in this stack. Spectacular Sins, written to explain how God is glorified in spite and through the existence of sin, has been on my shelf since I got home from the Resolved Conference this summer. Because it is such a heavy topic, I have left it on my shelf until I have time to read it through instead of just in spurts. That Hideous Strength is the last of C.S. Lewis's fictional books that I have not read and I am looking forward to finishing this last volume from his Space Trilogy. Seeking God and The Life and Diary of Daniel Brainard have been on my "To Be Read" shelf since dad got home from the Shepherd's Conference in March and it looks like they will be staying in that stack a bit longer for now. Perhaps I should have put Womanly Dominion into this stack as well since I would like to be reading it on a more consistent basis. I am thankful for the ability to do school, so I am not complaining about my lack of reading time, but I am definitely looking forward to the opportunity to read for fun a bit more once this degree is completed!

'Tis The Season

2009-12-04T23:26:00.003-07:00

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. ~Galations 4:4-7

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T13:30:00.001-07:00

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. ~Ephesians 1:3~

Every spiritual blessing. And never deserved or earned by us. Wow!

So very thankful....

2009-11-23T23:03:00.006-07:00

For a creative God who gave humans the ability to appreciate the beauty of what He has made. From the intricacy of snowflakes to the vastness of the starry universe, the Lord is glorified by the display of the immenseness of His creativity. I am thankful that He has given me eyes and enabled me to take delight in viewing the works of His hands. The splendor of creation exists for His glory alone, yet He still allows me to derive joy from being in it.

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas. O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!" Psalm 8:3-9

Thankful...

2009-11-14T20:32:00.003-07:00

...For a loving church committed to teaching Biblical truth
...For leadership committed to living truth as an example to those under their authority.
...For the unique peak that I am blessed to receive into the loving and laboring hearts of my Elders.
...For the love that I have received from individuals within the body.
...For the opportunity and ability to serve the church.
...For the accountability and encouragement that the body of Christ provides.
...For the Lord's faithful provision for our needs as a church and for making that provision very visible to us.
...For the way the Lord has used trials to sanctify individuals and use them as a testimony of his goodness.
...For the amazing grace of our Lord who chooses to use sinners to accomplish His purposes, thereby bringing glory to Himself alone.
...For the ability to go boldly into the throne room of grace to petition for our needs and requests and to know full well that the Lord will glorify Himself within His church.

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit. ~Ephesians 2:19-21

P.S. Just wanted to comment on the odd phenomenon that the best way to begin to feel thankful when you don't feel thankful naturally is to start giving thanks. I tend to forget and instead put off blog posts on thankfulness because I am aware that I don't have a grateful attitude. When I just obey the command to give thanks by, you know, giving thanks, then I soon find my feelings have followed. Funny how that works.

Lotsa writing goin' on

2009-11-10T20:52:00.009-07:00

I am spending a great deal of this week preparing for an English composition test with essay. Never having had to do a timed essay before (yes, homeschooled, nope, mom never put a time limit on my writing assignments), I am discovering for the first time just how slowly I write. Fun, Fun, Fun. It isn't the kind of writing that makes for interesting blog posts either. My biggest frustration is being forced to fake knowledge and an informed opinion. No time to research. Here is topic, 45 minutes, go! Thankfully, I am pretty good at faking opinions, the knowledge...not so good. This is one of those skills that gets better with practice though, so I think I should survive.

In other news...Anyone notice it is under two and a half weeks until Thanksgiving? La! Happiness. Some of my bloggity friends are celebrating by posting daily (or almost daily) with something they are thankful for. I'd love to be a copy cat and join, but I am only going to do so if I am allowed to start out saying it definitely won't be a daily post. Not out of lack of gratefulness but rather out of lack of time to type out gratefulness and lack of desire to do so after spending a large amount typing in preparation for an English test. I will try for a couple time a week though, we shall see.

So to start out, I am very thankful for the ability to be studying for a degree in English. I am thankful for the Lord's provision in all the details of this process. I am thankful for the way my parents have been so good about putting up with the phrase "Can't, studying". I am thankful for the friend who is working on his degree as well and is willing to loan his books, further lowering my costs. I am thankful for the sweet sister who surprised me by cleaning my room last week because that job had fallen through the cracks in the midst of my other "stuff". I am thankful for the job that provides me with time to study and helps me to pay for it as well. I am thankful for the ability to utilize distance learning. I am thankful that, Lord willing, I should be able to graduate before Summer. And I am especially thankful that I can be certain that God will use this degree to His glory, even if I am not exactly sure of the "how" of that just yet.

Thankful...

2009-11-06T19:27:00.034-07:00

Once Upon a Time...
There lived two sisters.

(Anna and Me at Grandma's house, 1994ish)

They were each others very first best friends. As the years passed, they remained each other's best girlfriends.

(Pajama Picture, Christmas Eve, 2005)

Mutual confidants and comforters...

(Spring 2007)

Sharers of countless memories and inside jokes.

(At the Resolved conference, Summer 2009)

Complete opposites in so many ways...
(Anna in camo, me is camping clothes. Fall 2007)

And yet kindred spirits.

(Coordinating Sweatshirts! Winter 2009)

"Some things were meant to be..."

(California, Oct. 2009)

Dear Anna, I am so very thankful that the Lord made us sisters, literally and spiritually. You are an enormous blessing to me and I treasure your friendship. Love ya lots!

I can hear it calling

2009-11-01T13:41:00.015-07:00

Just in case you need suggestions for how to pass a Sunday afternoon, listening to your sister practice piano is a delightful option.

In addition to being the center of academic learning, our family's homeschool room is the location for Daddy's 100-ish year old upright piano. It has been part of my life since I was about four years old and each of my siblings and myself has spent time sitting on the bench plunking out keys for our own amusement while Daddy plays his repertoire of hymns and praise choruses. He didn't play very often because of a very busy schedule, but we all recognized the sound of the heavy lid rolling back into the piano as the cue to come dance around the living room and sing. Such is life with little girls.

Of the eight of us children, five have taken at least a year of piano lessons. Anna and Emma are the only ones who are currently sticking with that instrument, the rest of us are hoping to develop talent in other musical areas. Between two people who take lessons, the others who occasionally like to pretend they know how to play, and Daddy, Anna, and myself preparing for church worship music, the piano bench has been kept very warm over the last few years. It is still fun when Daddy plays, but Anna is our primary accompanist and resident soloist. She is the one of our family who is the most gifted when it comes to her particular instrument.

When Anna touches those keys, something wonderful happens. The rest of us sit down and read notes and a melody and that is all we play. Anna turns the notes into a living, breathing entity. Her fingers infuse the melody with emotion and make it into something memorable.

This afternoon, I was thumbing through one of her piano books and found an arrangement called "Longing" that came at out of George Winston's "Autumn" album. I hadn't heard the piece, but seeing as it fit our current time of the year, I asked if she'd try it. She wasn't familiar with it either, but still sight-read it beautifully. Wistfulness and poignancy began wafting through the air and I was again left wondering how music is capable of expressing and provoking emotion. What is it about mere notes and sounds that makes me so intoxicatingly happy in the present moment and yet makes me yearn for something else, something more?

C.S. Lewis accurately describes the emotion through the character of Psyche in "Till We Have Faces": "It was when I was happiest that I longed most. .. And because it was so beautiful, it set me longing, always longing. Somewhere else there must be more of it. Everything seemed to be saying, Psyche, come! But I couldn't (not yet) come and I didn't know where I was to come to. It almost hurt me. I felt like a bird in a cage when the other birds of its kind are flying home."

Is it the longing for heaven? For home? For the beauty there that makes this world seem like a scanty reflection? For the joy that will be beyond anything I can know here? A reminder that I have not yet attained it? Is it the smallest taste of what is to come?

"For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:22-25

Psalm 33

2009-10-27T14:09:00.008-06:00

Shout for joy in the Lord,

O you righteous! Praise befits the upright.

Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre;

make melody to Him

with the harp of ten strings!

Sing to Him a new song;

play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.
For the word of the Lord is upright, and

all His work is done in faithfulness.

He loves righteousness and justice;

the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord.
By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,

and by the breath of His mouth all their host.

He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap;

He puts the deeps in storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;

let all the inhabitants of the world

stand in awe of Him!

For he spoke, and it came to be;

He commanded, and it stood firm.
The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;

He frustrates the plans of the peoples.

The counsel of the Lord stands forever,

the plans of His heart to all generations.

Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,

the people whom He has chosen as His heritage!
The Lord looks down from heaven;

He sees all the children of man;

from where He sits enthroned

He looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth,

He who fashions the hearts of them all

and observes all their deeds.

The king is not saved by his great army;

a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.

The war horse is a false hope for salvation,

and by its great might it cannot rescue.
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,

on those who hope in His steadfast love,

that He may deliver their soul from death

and keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;

He is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in Him,

because we trust in his holy name.

Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,

even as we hope in you.

One Two Three

2009-10-20T18:38:00.003-06:00

Ashley (who blogs here: http://heart-and-home.net/) asked "What are three things that make you smile today?" I am playing along, so here are my three things.

1. Everything fell into place perfectly (or rather, was perfectly ordained and orchestrated by a Sovereign Hand) for my Daddy and my Pastor to make their connecting flight en route to Russia today despite lots of stressful cuircumstances and questions of whether or not they would be able to go. Missing them, still glad they can go. (If you want more details, go to their blog to see what they are up to: www.mvbiblereport.blogspot.com)

2. I found a letter in my mailbox yesterday. It has kept me smiling all the way through today!

3. The sight of cars being chased by a trail of skipping, hopping, dancing leaves wherever they go is delightful. The cars apparently have no idea that they are being trailed. I don't think the leaves have any idea what they are going to do if they actually catch up with the cars either.

You know the funny thing about listing things you like or are thankful for? It is kinda hard to stop once you start. For instance: October is a gorgeous month, even it's name proclaims beauty. October. Joe (the two year old brother) has been doing this adorable thing lately of saying "Need Hug!" whenever I walk by and then proceeding to give me one. Nine and a half weeks till Christmas! I had a lovely chit-chat with my Mom earlier. Tonight, I get to study. (Trying to focus on the get part, forget that sometimes.) And a few more hours until my phone will ring this evening. Do you have a list you want to share?

2009-09-26T19:45:00.006-06:00

How easy it is for me to mistakenly take for granted the many gifts that God has given me. Of course God gives me food, health, a loving family, a job, and a home! Why should he not? I am His child after all, I have dedicated my life to Him, doesn't that entitle me to receive my basic needs and a few of my wants thrown in on top? Isn't He just filling His half of the deal that we both signed when I became a Christian? Like a spoiled toddler, I act as though the world revolves around me, as if God ought to sovereignly orchestrate the world's events to suit my desires.

Now, do I ever conciously think those things? No, but my attitude betrays that this is my true mindset. Only when I realize that I deserve nothing but punishment am I able to be humbly grateful for what I have; blessings of redemption and beyond. Even though God, in His infinite mercy and apart from any merit on my part, chose to redeem me with the blood of His Son, He is under no contract to give me one more blessing. He could say "Look, you get to go to heaven once this life is over, that is the one and only thing you are going to receive from me." And that one and only thing ought to be enough to make me spend the rest of my days giving thanks without expectation of anything further.

Yet the Lord doesn't stop at redemption but continues to heap blessing upon blessing. And lately, the Lord has granted me things that I know beyond a doubt I don't deserve and which I could never have brought about by myself. This is the Lord's doing, it is marvelous in my eyes.

I feel sorta kinda a wee bit guilty about not blogging for two months straight...

2009-08-20T17:17:00.002-06:00

Sorta kinda guilty, but not really truly guilty because with all the other things that need attention, I stubbornly refuse to be slave to a blogging schedule. But I am still feeling mildly guilty, because I would like to actually stick to my goal of 1-2 blog posts a month. How do those people do it who blog on a daily basis??? My life is just not interesting enough to do that. On the other hand, do people who have time to blog every day actually have a real life? Questions to ponder.

In reality, my life has been interesting lately. At least, it has been in my opinion. So much so, that I haven't wanted to take the time away from enjoying life to blog about it. During the last week though, I have been preparing my Fall schedule. As I was writing lists of all the great things I intend to accomplish and that I want to squeeze into my schedule sideways, "Blog" suddenly appeared on one of the lists, and I realized that I had written it there. Blog? Oh yeah, I do have one of those, don't I? Hmmm, maybe I should go look at it sometime....

And look at me now! Typing away very diligently as though I was actually doing something productive. The best thing about to-do lists? They make procrastination oh so easy. I can feel like I am working because I put an activity on paper and then did it. What a sense of accomplishment to put a check next to: "Blog". Nevermind the fact that "Do Laundry" still has no check next to it.

Fall is such fun. It is like the mid-year New Year. Resolutions, planning, new schedules, to-do lists, anticipation. My organization side kicks in at this time of year with full force . Usually, I wait until August is over to proclaim it the end of Summer but this year I decided that my Summer officially ends on Monday. Yes, the 95 degree weather is mocking me and I have no intention of giving up my flip flops for at least another 4-6 weeks, but it is time for me to start focusing on getting things done. At the moment, my mood is even matching my resolve! We will see whether or not I am still this dedicated once I am done writing schedules and have to start living by them. Come Monday morning, I may decide I need one more week of to-do list writing before summer ends.

I am HERE!

2009-06-12T14:32:00.003-06:00

In sunny, windy Southern California to be exact. My family and my Pastor's family (who is also my family, but not by blood, by choice. Meaning, I choose to consider them family, and since God chose both of our families to be part of His Family, then we are technically family by God's choice. Oh, and I guess by blood too. Christ's blood though, not ours. K, I will stop murdering the grammar of the English language now. :)

As I was saying, my families and I are enjoying a relaxing vacation in Southern CA this week and part of next week. The exciting event of the trip begins tonight though, and I would like to invite you all to participate in it from wherever you may be! Come (in the figurative sense) and learn from Steve Lawson, John MacArthur, John Piper, Rick Holland, and CJ Mahaney as the conference is live streamed via the Internet. Go here for details: http://www.resolved.org/SiteLogin.aspx?ReturnUrl=%2flive.aspx

EDITED 7/8 to say:
You can now dowload the sessions for free here (http://www.resolved.org/media.aspx) and they are very worth taking the time to do so! If you listen to nothing else, check out John Piper's and Steve Lawson's sessions. It is so hard for me to pick a favorite as all the speakers are gifted, godly men, so I will just narrow it down to those four sessions by Piper and Lawson. Enjoy!

From My Personal Dictionary:

2009-05-24T21:05:00.002-06:00

Idaho: proper noun. Def: 1. Sprinklers at sunset 2. Home.

(click on the picture to see it bigger)

I am still working on my header by the way, so technically I probably should be working on that, but the sprinklers distracted me. Ahhh, happiness.

Potential Disaster Area: Enter At Your Own Risk

2009-05-15T10:19:00.003-06:00

My friend Dori entered the blog world recently here http://adorabledaze.blogspot.com/ and after envying her pretty layout for almost a full day, I found out where she got it! I am now being a shameful copycat and updating my blog with some of the stuff I am finding from http://www.shabbyblogs.com/. Since my html knowledge is minimal at best, playing around on here is always dangerous. Hopefully, I won't end up deleting something important. Stick around! Constuction mode will be over shortly.

Taste and See

2009-05-08T16:30:00.013-06:00

Maybe it is because the sun is shining and it feels like spring. Maybe it is because there is a sprig of honeysuckle in a vase above the kitchen sink. Maybe it is because I am wearing my favorite blue sweatshirt. Maybe it is because I am listening to the newest single by Jars of Clay. Maybe it is because...God is good.

I am in a happy mood today.

"And it feels like giving in, It feels like starting over, It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming, It feels like a brand new day. Open your eyes." (Two Hands, Jars of Clay)

God is good. That phrase has been pasted on key chains, coffee cups, posters and refrigerator magnets. It has become a cliche associated with pictures of cuddly kittens and puppies. Yet somehow, the overuse of the phrase hasn't removed its truth. For me, the phrase encompasses the simplicity of God's love for mankind and for me. There are other bigger, prettier words that could be used to describe our Lord: righteous, just, omnipotent, long-suffering, eternal; and all of them are true and accurate. But it is His goodness, to me personally, that is standing out to me today. God is good. Is it really possible to say it too much?

I tend to be suspicious of happy times. When things are going well, I have an Eeyore-like response of "It will probably rain tomorrow". I know that God often uses trials for our sanctification and I know that trials are what we are told to expect from this world. So I am well aware that I shouldn't place too much stock in today's fleeting circumstances. But I am also learning that it is alright to enjoy the happy moments. Remember the Spurgeon quote I posted last? It ends with an encouragement to leave the results of today's work in God's hands and to expect a blessed issue. Knowing that God is going use today's events to sanctify me and to further His purposes, allows me to enjoy today. I forget to do that a lot of the time when I am too busy thinking ahead to see what He is doing now. God is good.

"Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise." James 5:13b

Photography by Rebekah :)

An Unoriginal Post

2009-04-27T18:11:00.009-06:00

One of these days I will take the time to write a true article thingy to put on here, but for now I am appreciating other people's words. So instead of reading my ramblings today, read what Spurgeon has to say about Psalm 37:4-6. You can read his complete text here: http://www.spurgeon.org/treasury/ps037.htm.

Delight yourself in the Lord,and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.” Psalm 37:4-6

"There is no room for fretting if we remember that God is ours, but there is every incentive to sacred enjoyment of the most elevated and ecstatic kind. Every name, attribute, word, or deed of Jehovah, should be delightful to us, and in meditating thereon our soul should be as glad as is the epicure who feeds delicately with a profound relish for his dainties. And he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. A pleasant duty is here rewarded with another pleasure. Men who delight in God desire or ask for nothing but what will please God; hence it is safe to give them carte blanche. Their will is subdued to God's will, and now they may have what they will. Our innermost desires are here meant, not our casual wishes; there are many things which nature might desire which grace would never permit us to ask for; these deep, prayerful, asking desires are those to which the promise is made.

Commit thy way unto the Lord. Roll the whole burden of life upon the Lord. Leave with Jehovah not thy present fretfulness merely, but all thy cares; in fact, submit the whole tenor of thy way to him. Cast away anxiety, resign thy will, submit thy judgment, leave all with the God of all....The ploughman sows and harrows, and then leaves the harvest to God. What can he do else? He cannot cover the heavens with clouds, or command the rain, or bring forth the sun or create the dew. He does well to leave the whole matter with God; and so to all of us it is truest wisdom, having obediently trusted in God, to leave results in his hands and expect a blessed issue."

I am in love! His name is Calvin...

2009-04-14T18:52:00.003-06:00

He lives!

2009-04-12T19:11:00.002-06:00

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." ~Romans 8:1-4

I would love to be able to write something profound about Christ's resurrection, but what can I say that hasn't been said before? And what words can I use more glorious than these? I have no hope, except that Christ died for my sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures. I trust that I will be raised with Him on the last day, when my faith is made sight and the work He began in me is finally completed. Come quickly Lord Jesus!

2009-03-19T01:00:00.000-06:00

I have an obsession with words: big words, words that are not commonly used, words that imply a strong emotion or action, and words that roll off the tongue with a delightful feel. One such word is "undismayed". What a strong-sounding word, conveying steadfastness and security (two more great words right there). Here are a couple definitions of the word that I just found with the help of Professor Google.

"Undaunted; unshaken in purpose; hopeful and calm."

[I wonder if I am supposed to post sources for these? I don't know what the rules are... I suppose if you really want to know where I got this then you can google "undismayed" and look at the first few links that come up. I don't feel like tracking the links down at the moment 'cause my cut and paste feature is acting wonky and I am being lazy.]

Anyway, this word came to mind today 'cause I was a'pondering my worry problem. Yes, I am a worrier, always have been. Probably stems in part from my control-freakish, oldest child nature that wants to make sure the world is run correctly. Add to that an imagination that takes a morbid interest in making up stories to herself about all the possible awful outcomes of a situation and you get me: a chronic worrier. I was the child who seldom fell asleep during late night road trips because I felt that I needed to be able to wake my daddy up if he ever fell asleep at the wheel. I also remember making sure I knew where the phone was, just in case I couldn't yell loud enough to wake him, and I ended up needing to call 911. I would also check in my purse for band-aids, make sure all my siblings were wearing their seatbelts correctly, and calculate an exit strategy should the car spontaneously combust. By the way, none of this was a result of my thinking that my dad was a bad driver, or even because he was looking tired. I just knew that car accidents happen and I was going to be prepared. If I ever end up totally insane, you will all know that it didn't come on suddenly.

Soooo, to get back on topic, I was a'pondering this worry problem of mine and wondering why I struggle so much with worry. I know that our God is sovereign, I know that He will work out all things for good. My worry is a sin because it says that I have not truly believed everything God says about Himself and the promises He has made to me. Even though my current worries are slightly more plausible than my car spontaneously combusting, they are still fruitless and pointless. So why do I keep worrying? Why do I find myself confessing the same anxiety for the same things over and over and over? Even if I didn't have His promises to lean on, I have personal experience and memory of His provision and His care. It is not like I am being asked to trust someone Who has never done anything for me! Why do I find it so hard to fully rest in my Savior?

Whenever I think about worry, the words from one of my favorite hymns usually begins to run through my head at some point. One of the words in the first verses is "undaunted", the very opposite of fear. When I have given up my worry and I am at rest in trusting my Lord, then am I able to experience His peace. I just always seem to go about the process of letting go the hard way. I feel like I am stuck in the terrible threes; forever acting like a stubborn three year old. "Noooo!!! I want to take care of it myself!!! I am a big girl!!!! What if You don't do it right??? What if it isn't fun??? What if it hurts??? Just let me!!!"

Anywhoo... This song is so pretty. I don't know what the original arrangement of this song sounds like as I have only heard the Jars of Clay version (love their music!), but here are the words which were originally written by Paul Gerhardt and translated by John Wesley. My blog's title comes from the first line.

Give to the wind thy fears,
Hope and be undismayed.
God hears thy sighs and counts thy tears;
God will lift up thy head.

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command.
Then shalt thou, wondering, own His way;
How wise, how strong His hand.

Far, far above thy thought,
His counsel shall appear
When fully He the work hath wrought
That caused thy needless fear.

Through waves and clouds and storms
He gently clears the way.
Wait thou His time and so shall this night
Soon end in joyous day.

So I am handing this worry over again, knowing that it will probably revisit me again later. Hopefully I will remember to offer it up sooner next time instead of hoisting it around and carrying it with me everywhere. Jesus is a much more capable burden bearer than I am and I have reached the point tonight where I am happy to have Him take it.

Valentine's Day Verses

2009-02-14T17:20:00.007-07:00

Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old. ~Micah 7:18-20

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory. ~Ephesians 1:3-14

"Let us love and sing and wonder,

Let us praise the Savior's name.

He has hushed the law's loud thunder,

He has quenched Mount Sinai's flame.

He has washed us with His blood...

He has brought us nigh to God."

~John Newton

On Moonlight

2009-02-07T22:44:00.009-07:00

I adore starry nights with bright, full moons. I especially love it when the moonlight falls directly on my pillow. Makes me feel like a heroine in a delicious novel. Something about sleeping in a spotlight causes me to fall asleep with various lines of romantic poetry floating through my head and a serene smile on my face.

"The curfew tolls the knell of parting day...

...And leaves the world to darkness and to me."

"The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,

the moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas..."

"I heard the trailing garments of the Night
Sweep through her marble halls..."

"...For she did not seem as dead,

But fast asleep, and lay as tho' she smiled..."

What did you say? Why yes, I am a ridiculously hopeless romantic. Why do you ask?

Seasons

2009-01-20T19:07:00.021-07:00

My sister asked me the other day why I bothered to get a new blog if I am never going to update it. When I set this up I had the lofty goal of posting about every week; now I am thinking that if I aim for once every two weeks, then I will be doing pretty good. We will hope for more than once a month. I am in such a busy season of life right now (is there such a thing as an un-busy season?) and blog entries have a tendency to swirl in my head without ever making it into type.

Seasons, seasons, seasons. As hectic as it is, I really do love the season the Lord has me in right now. In school, at home, single. My contentment level varies on a daily basis but overall, I know this is a precious time and I want to savor it to the fullest. As the oldest in a large family, I am grateful for the ability to enjoy this time of us all being at home together. I think of my friends who are younger kids in big families, and the dynamics change once the older ones move out. I know that I get to experience this time more fully than my youngest siblings. We are all living at home together, and once we start to go our separate ways and begin our own families, this season will be finished and home will not mean quite the same thing it meant before. The changes are already beginning as my sister Anna and I have started to pursue various interests and ministries and so are not home as much as we used to be. But even still, when she and I refer to home, we mean the same place.

For now, home means three or more people trying to make dinner together in a tiny kitchen, late night talks and giggles until Daddy bellows "Go to sleep!", listening to looooong stories about bionicles, maneuvering for room at the bathroom mirror on Sunday mornings, studying for a college literature exam at the table with the 6yo who is learning his subtraction, chatting on facebook while sitting across the room from each other, eating meals in a hurry so that you can run to the next activity, two spelling tests being given at the same time while everybody else covers their ears, twenty cereal boxes adorning the top of the fridge, inside jokes and knowing looks, cleaning house while dancing to music that is turned all the way up, studying while a two year old brother plays with legos on your lap, "discussions" about who is wearing who's shoes, constant teasing and laughing, numerous loads of dishes and laundry, and celebration at every new phrase the baby says. Life is good and I truly love being home.

And yet... It amazes me how quickly my bubble of contentment is burst. All it takes is some person trying to make conversation asking "So, you're still living at home? Oh! Okaaay..." Then I suddenly feel very small; as though I need to offer an apologetic explaination. It slighty helps that I am studying for my B.A., but what am I supposed to say after I have my degree and am still living at home? I begin to realize that my contentment is based too strongly on my enjoyment of the present situation and on the good opinion of those around me rather than being grounded in the God who put me here.

Isn't it funny how we have our lives figured out during the years when we are 12 to 17? At least I did. I thought I had the perfect understanding of how a single young lady should live. She simply stays home and bakes bread until her Prince comes a-knockin'. Not until I turned eighteen and started to look single young-ladyhood in the face, did I begin to realize how little I understood. It is all very well to say that you are going to wait at home for Prince Charming, quite another to actually do so when he is nowhere in sight. What do you do with your time? What are your aims and goals? And what if, dare I say it, you don't marry until you are forty? What then?! Do you still plan on being at home?

As I have agonized over these questions to my parents, I have been reminded me of several things. First: God is not cruel. Second: There is no point in worrying over things I am not dealing with yet. In other words, we will worry about 40 on my 40th birthday. Third: This season is not a punishment. Fourth: Being single is not an excuse to be idle. Fifth: My purpose is no different than it has ever been; to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. By the way, just because I can list them does not mean I have learned them. I am still working on them and will undoubtedly be doing so for awhile.

My parents and I have been trying to understand what this season is going to look like. The truth is that the Bible doesn't lay out a clear cut plan for how single daughters are supposed to do things. We are given principles in the Word, and we are given wisdom to make decisions for how we are going to live them out. We are aware that the choices we make are not going to be the same that other families, or possibly even some of my siblings, may choose to make. I would personally be happy in a cookie-cutter world; one in which I could be certain of doing things right. But God in His wisdom hasn't made us cookie-cutters and is instead pleased to allow me to figure these things out through seeking Him and studying His Word. Not my way, but undoubtedly the better way.

So for this moment: I am at home, working on a degree in English that will hopefully make me better equipped to serve the Lord. In addition to the academic lessons I will be learning over the next year, I am certain that God has spiritual ones on the agenda as well. How greatful I am for His patience and for the certainty that He will glorify Himself as He works in me through this season and the many to follow.

2008 in Review

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The end of the year is the time when top ten lists are available in excess so I thought I might as well add to the excess with a list of my own. Originally, I had not planned on sharing the “Top Ten Events and Occurrences in The Life of Miss Carrots” list on my blog. That would seem rather narcissist, wouldn't it? Then I realized that taking time to look at what the Lord has done in my life is not egocentric and since the Psalms are filled with commands and invitations to proclaim God's goodness and His marvelous deeds, I decided to do so. Some of these things may not be all that big of a deal, but these are the things that stand out in my mind when I think about the past twelve months.

In January, I began taking part in a study of hermeneutics at my church. Hermeneutics is simply the tools used in accurate study of the Bible. This class changed the way I defined Bible study and gave me a new appreciation for the importance of rightly dividing the Word of Truth.
From the middle of January to the end of February I read two books that clarified my understanding of the sovereignty of God and the responsibility of men. The first was The Invisible Hand by R. C. Sproul. After that I read Decision Making and the Will of God by Gary Friesen. Reading these two books back to back sent me into a whirlwind for several weeks as I tried to understand what it meant to live and to make choices in a world ruled by a sovereign God. Even though I doubtlessly have more to learn on these subjects, I am glad that those books "just happened" to be at the beginning of my reading list for a year that was going to be filled with decisions.
In March, I took the 90-Day Challenge given over at YLCF and began to read my Bible through in ninety days. I wasn't sure I was going to finish on time but those three months were providentially very calm and I found I had plenty of time for the hour or so a day that the goal required. Reading the Bible so quickly required me to read it differently than I had before. I saw it as a whole, and the supremacy of Christ throughout was clear. I also began to taste the different flavors of the writing of the human authors, though the overarching unity made the Holy Spirit the obvious ultimate Author. For the first time, I could really say that the Bible is my favorite book without any guilty wondering in the back of my mind about whether or not that statement was true. When I finished in May, I was amazed to find how much I craved to continue reading. Even though I had read my Bible regularly before, it was different being steeped in it with so much reading. Through those ninety days the Lord gave me a love for the Word that I had never had before.
In mid-April I began my first real job. Real in this instance meaning that it was forty hours a week and I no longer had control over my schedule. Major learning experience! God is good. He gave me a very generous Christian boss and a paycheck that allowed me to use my savings account for something other than short term storage. The Lord also knew that this control freak needed to have a job where she was the employee and not the one in charge. I am so glad to be back home now though.
With June came the long-awaited mission trip with my Daddy. We went to Russia for two weeks and I don't think I can sum those up very well in this tiny space. I have been interested in missions for a long time and while this trip fanned the flame of that interest it remains to be seen what God is going to do with it.
One immediate result of the Russia trip is that I am now involved in the music ministry at our church. While in Russia, there were several times when I had to let people hear my voice. As in, the singing voice that very few people hear and I am rather self-conscious about. That one. And did I mention that the Russians have lovely voices and can tell when someone is singing poorly even if they are singing in a different language? Yeah... Well....once my Daddy realized I was starting to get okay with singing in public, he suggested that I come to some of the music practices so that I could sing melody and let the gal who normally sings melody practice harmony. Then....since I knew all the songs, why don't I just sing this week? And then....Oh look the other singers are sick this week, so it looks like it will be you singing by yourself. Soooo long story short, I am now on the worship team and learning to enjoy myself.
After coming back from Russia, I started looking into some online classes and other options for bringing school work back into my schedule. I was interested in something involving education which would be useful in lots of situations and that I could do from home. I gave up the search in early August and put the whole idea out of my mind as impossible. About a week later a friend told me about College Plus and I was enrolled within a few more weeks and beginning a degree in English. If all goes as planned, I will graduate with my BA in June of 2010. Does this sound like a commercial? It isn't meant to be, I am just amazed at the Lord's perfect timing.
Fall means the beginning of another dance year and I went back to teaching ballet in October. Even though I cut the number of my classes down to three from six the previous year, I started out with twenty students. That may not seem like many but for a small town teacher who only teaches one day a week, that is a large number for the beginning of the year! This is just another aspect of God's providence as the money will be (and already has been) used for school books and expenses.
I was the rehearsal mistress for the Eugene Ballet's local production of the Nutcracker this year. Another learning experience. It was my first time teaching someone else’s choreography and someone else’s students. I know I learned a lot from it, but I don't know if I would do it over again.
This last one isn't really about me, but it is such a big event that I have to share. My six year old brother, Jeremiah, repented of his sins and received the gift of salvation. He loves to talk about Jesus now and tell other people that he is a Christian. When he is with his friends at Sparks or playing with his cousins, one of his favorite conversation starters is "I'm a Christian, are you?" He has no fear in witnessing and that is a challenge to me to do the same.

Have a Joyful New Year!

Oh Magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together. ~Psalm 34:3

Welcome

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First posts are always the hardest. Trying to come up with something eloquent or clever....Hmm......can't think of anything. Sooo welcome to my blog and leave me a note and let me know you stopped by!